Let me count the ways in which drunk Claire just loves to annoy me…
Eating the best food
Have you ever woken up after a night out and the cruel drunk version of yourself has eaten your entire advent calendar? I know friend, I know.
I love food. I love food more than anything else in the world. The thought of eating a giant bowl of spaghetti gets me through the day. Burgers get me through the week. What I’m trying to say is that if I’ve been thinking about something for a while, I’m very excited to eat it. So when I get home drunk and inhale it without a second thought, it really breaks my little sober heart.
There is no hurt like waking up to see a few lashings of BBQ sauce on a plate that once held such delight.
I’m that girl that decides to avoid any awkward situation or confrontation…until I’ve had a few drinks. I will then proceed to send you mass amounts of babble describing exactly how I feel and why I think you’re a knob. Is it irritating and embarrassing? Well yes, yes it is. But I know you’ve all done it too so you can’t judge me.
Telling people overly nice things
This may sound like a perfectly normal and lovely thing to do but unfortunately I’m weird. I constantly find myself telling people incredibly over the top things that if I heard from a stranger, I would purposefully avoid them for the rest of my life. Examples include “I saw your dog on Instragram and actually cried” and my personal favourite “I feel like you’re probably meant to be my best friend, let’s hang out.”
Over the top dancing that’s supposed to be comedic but really, really isn’t
At the time I think I’m hilarious, then I wake up the next day and realise that people always remember the drunk girl that was air-spanking her friend in the middle of the dancefloor.
Making friends with complete strangers that I’ll never talk to again
My contacts list and the notes on my phone are full of random names and numbers of people that I know for a fact I will never bump into again and if I do, I will probably ignore because Hi I’m socially awkward sober Claire, oh you met me when I was drunk? That’s brilliant. Nope, you don’t have to tell me what I was saying. I’m good, thanks though.
The funny thing is at the time I am SO happy to be talking to these people and I almost always end up going to my friends after and saying the words “I just made a new friend, we’re going to go to Brunch tomorrow and sing our song at karaoke.” Okay maybe not those exact words but you get the jist.
Ruining my shoes
The amount of discarded alcohol and mud that gets on my shoes while I’m out baffles me. Why is it that when we get drunk we become these creepy, overly affectionate creatures that are no longer able to control their limbs? Stop stepping on my foot, stop spilling beer on my shoes, they are my BABIES and I love them too much to see them die like this.
Forgetting vital info
If you have something really important to tell me, do not do it when I’m drunk. I’ll wake up in the morning with snippets of it in my brain – but never enough to actually remember the specifics. Just enough to annoy me for weeks afterwards.
Throwing everything everywhere
Every now and then the drunk version of me is actually very considerate. She’ll leave all of the important things I need from day-to-day in a neat pile for easy access. She may pick me an outfit if I have work the next day. Heck, sometimes she even showers in preparation for my inability to get up in time.
Unfortunately, more often than none, this is not the case. Most of the time I wake up confused and very, very late. My keys are in the kitchen, my purse is in the loo and my phone is SOMEWHERE in my bed. Now not only am I running round trying to find something unstained to wear to work, I’ve lost everything, I’m stressing out and I don’t even have time to think about the fact I’m going to be sick within the hour.
Making plans that I don’t want to do
Cycling from London to Paris in two weeks? Great! Going to a rave in Newcastle that requires us waiting in the freezing cold for hours before we can catch a train home? Count me in!
Or more realistically… “We should definitely go for brunch tomorrow, I’ll be up and out at midday, definitely. What even are hangovers anyway?!?”
Drunk Claire probably would do this stuff, drunk Claire is fun and up for anything because wooooo jagerbombs. Unfortunately, sober Claire is a sensible and boring old soul that knows for a fact that if she can’t even go to brunch, there’s no way she’s cycling to Paris. Sorry friends.
Giving away surprises
I can’t keep a surprise on the best of days, literally can’t handle it. I just look at the person, smiling like a maniac and repeat to myself “don’t say anything, don’t say anything.” Chances are, if I know something that I can’t tell you, I’ll completely avoid you for my own sanity.
THAT IS until drunk Claire storms in, arm around a complete stranger that she insists is her best friend and inviting you to the Go Ape daytrip she’s currently planning. All before saying “oh wait, never mind that’s the day of your surprise birthday party.”